


a broken heart is all that's left

by emilia_kaisa



Series: Eurovision Song Challenge [15]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Arcade, Complicated Relationships, EurovisionSongChallenge, Heartbreak, M/M, Not Beta Read, The Netherlands, it's sad and I like it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:09:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22762234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: A broken heart is all that's leftI'm still fixing all the cracksLost a couple of pieces whenI carried it, carried it, carried it home
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Series: Eurovision Song Challenge [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619623
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	a broken heart is all that's left

**Author's Note:**

> Really trying to catch up with all the fics I've missed, this one is inspired by 'Arcade' by Duncan Laurence, hope you enjoy the sadness, but with this song there was no other way!

Yuzuru looks at his phone, resting innocently on his bedside table, it's screen black, only one thin crack across the smooth surface. He really needs to get the hardened glass changed, but for some reason he can't bring himself to do it, even though in the past it would drive him crazy after a day.

But now, there is something calming in looking at that small imperfection, a little reminder that some things are just bound to break, sometimes.

Yuzuru's heart skips a bit, and he winces at the bitter taste in his throat, so he reaches for a mug that is standing next to the phone, the tea cold by now but still tasty, soothing his raw throat. He puts the mug down after a few sips and he can't help himself, he takes the phone, but he has enough self control not to unlock the screen just yet, and he looks at the blank screen, feeling his heartbeat picking up a little.

_ A broken heart is all that's left _

_ I'm still fixing all the cracks _

_ Lost a couple of pieces when _

_ I carried it, carried it, carried it home _

All he wants to do in this moment is to write Javi. Ask him if he's okay, even though it would make Javi aware that Yuzuru is checking on him, of course he is, he needs to know somehow, since they don't talk anymore.

It's Yuzuru's fault, all of that. But it's all for the better, even if Javi can't really see it, and Yuzuru wonders if he's still hurt, if he feels as much pain as Yuzuru does. He hopes not, but he also knows better, and the fingers wrapped around his phone turn white with how strong he's gripping it, edges digging into his skin.

He can't help it, can't stop his thoughts from running to that quiet afternoon weeks back, Javi's eyes shining gold as he leaned in so slowly, giving Yuzuru a chance to step back but not really thinking he would do so, a corner of his mouth twitching with some pure, boyish hope.

But Yuzuru did step away, with the last bits of his consciousness, giving Javi a strained smile and fumbling with words, a part of him hoping that Javi would see through his lies.

But Javi blinked, slowly, and the gold in his eyes turned into silver as he took a deep breath and a step back, apologizing and wishing him a good rest of the season before walking away, shoulders hunched, a picture of a defeated man.

It's such a painfully familiar thing now, watching Javi go away, swallowing tears and biting his lip till he feels blood, doing everything to stop the words from leaving his mouth and changing their lives forever.

It would be pointless, right?

_ How many pennies in the slot _

_ Giving us up, didn't take a lot _

_ I saw the end before it begun _

_ Still I carried, I carried, I carried on _

Yuzuru is a rational person. He always was, and this is why he knew since the beginning, that they never stood a chance.

There is too much, too much on the line, too many unspoken words and too many hugs and touches, too much and never enough.

When they both competed, one was always better than the other, but in this game they were both always destined to lose, against past and future, time and distance. Against their dreams whispered into a pillow during lonely nights, against fears they can never conquer.

Yuzuru always knew. He knows still, and yet, he can't let go.

He clings to these feelings, no matter how much they hurt, because sometimes it's the only thing that can ground him, that reminds him that he's human, that he's more, more than people see and expect and want.

So sometimes he welcomes his broken heart, because it reminds him that it's real. That it's not a myth, to love someone so much it makes your muscles ache and your bones feel brittle.

He puts the phone down, and closes his eyes.

He has made his decision a long time ago. 

_ All I know, all I know _

_ Loving you is a losing game _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
